Missy’s Story
I have been a practising Muslim all my life. I fast during Ramadan, I have done my Umrah (pilgrimage to Mecca), and I offer Namaz (Islamic prayer) when I can. I even observed Pardah for a while, although I no longer do — I just make sure I don't wear tight outfits or revealing clothes. I do not follow rituals as much as I used to, but I still abide by the spiritual side of Islam.
All Abrahamic religions, including Islam, are against homosexuality. Those who argue otherwise probably do not follow the religion very closely or alter it as per their requirements. Here in Pakistan, there are rules against homosexuality, but the government mostly overlooks them. As long as you are under the radar, it is fine. But the moment you talk publicly about being LGBT, all hell breaks loose.
Growing up, I sensed I was different because I was attracted to girls more than boys. I did not officially come out to my family. Instead, I was accidentally outed when I was 13 or 14 years old. Following this incident, my parents remained in denial about my sexuality for a long time. My brother was really angry too, and we did not speak to each other for 10 years. We have only recently begun interacting again, and in a recent conversation he told me that he had held resentment towards me all this while. Now, thankfully, he has come to terms with it.
This tension between my faith and my sexual identity has been present throughout my life. After my father's death in the early 2000s, many people told me that he wouldn't find peace unless I "became straight" and that I should try to make him happy. One of my best friends, knowing my truth, was even ready to marry me. I tried my best to “straighten” myself and resolve this tension, but it simply did not work.
When the chances of straight marriage turned grim, my mother asked me if I wanted to try a marriage of convenience (i.e. marrying a gay man) for the sake of society. I refused, because I believe that God knows who I am, and that is all that matters. If God created me this way, maybe there is some purpose behind it, and for me, it is more important to serve that purpose than it is to live a false life, just to please others.
Artist Notes
“The Taj Mahal is often regarded as the symbol of love. Irrespective of one’s race, religion, gender, sex or etc., love is love, and I could not think of a better symbol than this to represent it. Missy talks about being Muslim and fighting her sexuality in this story, so I also found the Taj Mahal to be appropriate because it is a historical monument with Islamic architecture. I have included two young women with veils (symbolic of the hijab) and one woman giving a flower to the other, indicating the blooming of love. The green background in this image represents love, faith and growth.”
Published May 1, 2020
Updated Oct 25, 2022
Published in Issue VI: Identity