Stephan's Story
I believe in being open to feeling love, in any place, at any time. I currently live in Daly City, which is in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I am open to dating anyone I feel an emotional connection with. I figured out that I was non-monogamous after three years of marriage. My wife and I tried to work it out by communicating about each of our needs, but it was still very tough. After eight more years, she realized she was not polyamorous, and ended the relationship.
The Bay Area is a pretty open and accepting place. Generally, there is a space here for people to express their feelings when it comes to sexuality. I would describe most of my family and friends as quite progressive and liberal-leaning. So, it was easy for all of them to embrace me for who I am.
When I first spoke to my parents about non-monogamy after my divorce, they had many questions. I was fairly sure they would accept me, but I was still a little fearful of rejection. It did take a little education — they had to read a few books and essays and watch several videos — but soon enough, all their questions were answered.
My current partner and I have been in an ethically non-monogamous relationship for about a year and a half. She is married to her husband, who is also non-monogamous. Not too long ago, the three of us began living together, and we are now working to build a life as a family. This means we do things like blend finances, talk about children and make plans for the future.
Taking my partner and her husband home to introduce them to my parents was one of the most powerful moments of my life. My mother and my partner had a similar upbringing, and so they clicked immediately. After she and her husband left, my mother called me and asked if my partner makes me happy. I said “Yes, she does.” Then my mother replied, “If she makes you happy and makes you feel safe, that is awesome, and it is all I care about.”
I found my parents being so open and accepting of me and my partner in this way to be very comforting. I understand why ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are still not widely accepted, so it makes me feel good to know my parents are in my corner. My partner, her husband and I are constantly growing in our relationship. Of course, there is always some degree of emotional fear and insecurity in poly relationships, but the same can be said of any other kind of relationship. Whether there are multiple partners involved or only two, these challenges are going to exist — so, we try to work through them by being open in our communication and in our love.
Artist Notes
“Society tries to paint attractions and relationships in binary colours: black and white. But in reality, these things are grey and hence, I have chosen to use a grey colour as the background in this illustration. There are many faces represented in an abstract way, with a pout releasing a red sphere, which symbolises that one person can love and be in a relationship with many people. In the bottom of the illustration, there is a black section with some white dots and a line pattern, which says, even though society stigmatizes polyamory, the purity of such love can’t be denied. At the top of the illustration there are several branches with red, white and black flowers, which symbolise how Stephan describes himself: ‘open to feeling love, any place, any time, with anyone.’”
Published Mar 1, 2020
Updated Aug 23, 2023
Published in Issue V: Taboos