Tindi's Story
I was a “love child,” my parents’ firstborn, but in my memories of growing up, there was never much love between them. My father could never bring himself to remain monogamous, and my mother was perpetually sad because of it. I remember swearing to myself that I would never end up with a “cheater” — but years later, the man I married ended up being unfaithful, too.
Of course, I was heartbroken. I began to Google ways to cope, and that process eventually led me to polyamory. At first, I struggled with finding an arrangement that would allow my husband to be his natural self and, in the spirit of fairness, would allow me to explore love with different people, too. Gradually, though, the realization came. For many people, polyamory is not a choice; it’s a way of being. My husband simply wanted variety, the way someone might get sick of pizza and want to eat something else for a change. For me, it was about having room in my heart for more than one person. With that breakthrough, I separated from my husband and have now been polyamorous for the past nine years.
In Kenya, my home for the last 13 years, polyamory is more prevalent in queer spaces, where there is an open attitude toward experimentation. In the larger African context, a woman having multiple partners is considered greedy, and in general, there is still a lot of social stigma around open relationships. Even so, many people are anything but monogamous behind closed doors.
Being so open about my own polyamory, I am often invited to speak to groups about my life. Based on those experiences, it seems clear that even though there is no “official” polyamorous community in Kenya, an increasing number of people are interested in exploring more than one romantic relationship simultaneously. Because of this, I am working to build a future for poly communities in my own country and across East Africa by creating groups and blogs where people can have open conversations. Drawing inspiration from Kenya. K. Stevens, I’ve even coached couples in their poly relationships, teaching principles of authenticity, transparency, and healthy communication.
These are skills that are not only important in love but in every area of our lives. If we can learn to be authentic with our romantic partners, communicate honestly, and be clear in our intentions, we can improve our relationships. In the end, this growth benefits everyone. After all, what successful community is not built on successful relationships?
Traditional beliefs and stigmas from the past still act as a barrier for many people who might otherwise evolve in their attitudes toward love, sex, and relationships. Fortunately, things are changing; younger people today are more likely to explore outside old-fashioned cultural boundaries, and people in their twenties have more options than my generation. I hope this will lead to healthy changes in the years to come. Then, perhaps more people will discover that if their instincts lead them to explore polyamory, they and their partners won’t have to worry about “cheating” again.
For more about Tindi, check out her blog on Twitter or follow her personal Twitter and Instagram.
Artist Notes
“The illustration features the Warli style of folk art. Tindi is the tree, nurturing the poly community through public education. The flying kite symbolizes the freedom that comes with embracing one’s true nature.”
Published Mar 18, 2021
Updated Sep 1, 2023
Published in Issue IX: Community