Zach and the City: Bringing Sexy Back to Bisexuality
While I absolutely love the influx of articles about bisexuality, I have noticed something troubling. They are devoid of any mention of fucking. Authors instead focus on their experiences of double discrimination, negative bisexual stereotypes, or finding a bi community. Don’t get me wrong, these are all worthy topics, and I’ve written about them often, but they don’t encompass the full scope of bisexuality. They can leave readers with the false impression that being bi is all about overcoming challenges. But being bi is also fucking great!
I know why other writers and I discuss bisexuality without mentioning having sex. We hope that by removing any talk of us having an MMF daisy chain, we can present ourselves as more “palatable” to mainstream audiences. However, taking the sex out of bisexuality often comes with taking the fun out of it. "Activism" that is focused solely on "oppression", "dating discrimination" and "health disparities" can scare people away from coming out as bi. I mean, who would want to join a party where everyone is sad, lonely, and sick? Fortunately, that's not true. Yes, bi people face unique challenges, but we also have unique opportunities. And did I mention it can be fucking great?
I’m not ashamed of how much sex I have, how I have sex, or who I do it with. I’m also not a fool. I know that I live in a sex-negative world where people are skittish about openly discussing sex. They will judge my sexual promiscuity as a character flaw. They’ll play armchair psychoanalyst about why I enjoy having tentacle dildos shoved up my ass. They’ll think I’m sick, damaged, or mentally ill. At the very least, they will feel uncomfortable around me, as if my sexuality is an airborne contagion they can catch just by being near me (that’s not quite how it works).
And when these people learn that I’m not only slutty but also bisexual? Oh boy. The negative stereotypes of both compounds, especially those of being a bi man, creating a torrent of false assumptions. I’m viewed as an STI-spreading machine. Never mind that I’ve been on PrEP since 2015, so I’m not getting or giving HIV to anyone anytime soon. I also get STI tested every two months (or sooner) and am open with my partners about my levels of exposure. Nevertheless, this is how people view me, and it can be difficult to discuss and promote bisexuality when people only see me as a walking disease.
And that’s just for bi men. Many bi women like to de-emphasize sex from their sexuality because they are constantly fetishized and asked to be the unicorn in an otherwise straight couple’s sexual experimentation. That’s why if a bi woman were to write “bi and slutty” on her Tinder bio, her phone would explode like a cherry bomb in her pocket.
This is all to say that I understand the de-emphasis on sex when advocating for bisexuality and promoting bi visibility. I also understand that our sexual identity is more than who we’re attracted to, dating, or boning. But my God, sex is still a huge part of it, and I think that in the long run, it’s hurting the bi movement to strip any mention of, well, stripping naked.
Whether you like it or not, the queer movement is inextricably connected to the sex-positive movement. You can’t have one without the other. That’s because sex-negativity is a primary root of biphobia, homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny. And it’s not doing any favors for cis, straight guys, either. Everyone is negatively affected by sex-negativity (and I write about all this in my forthcoming memoir-manifesto, BOYSLUT). In all my years of bi activism, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a sex-negative person who said, “But I’m okay with you being bi.” If you’re against sex, you’re against bisexuality. Period.
On the flip side, I’ve noticed that the more sex-positive you are, the more likely you are to believe and respect my bisexuality. Not all the time — there are plenty of sex-positive gay bottom pigs who refuse to believe I'm bi, but I still think that being pro-sex is a prerequisite for accepting bi folks. A significant component of being sex-positive is understanding the diversity of human attractions and desires — and accepting those differences. Sure, you might not want to get your hair pulled and ass slapped while being called a “good little girl,” but many people do. Or, in the context of bisexuality, you might not want to get railed by a hung dude while you fuck a big-tittied goddess, but I sure as hell do. That doesn’t make you any better or worse than me. Everyone is different, and you shouldn’t go around yucking someone else’s yum.
I am bisexual, and I love sex. Dare I say, I’m obsessed with it. I live for the novelty of feeling a new body. I love experiencing how people kiss and learning what freaky things they’re into. It’s why I’ve had sex with roughly fifteen hundred people. I’ve been with twenty-one-year-old guys and grandmothers three times that age. I’ve had orgies with over a hundred participants, anonymous sex in saunas, and hooked up with my Lyft driver. I’ve dommed, subbed, switched, fisted, DP-ed, spit-roasted, tied-up, and cuckolded. And that’s not even the half of it.
What about you?
As we continue seeing more bisexual visibility, which in turn encourages more folks to embrace being bi, let’s make sure it’s not a neutered version of bisexuality. Let’s work with the sex-positive movement to openly discuss sex in the context of our sexuality, to advocate, educate, and promote bisexuality. Let’s put the sex back into bisexuality.
Published Apr 19, 2022
Updated Sep 7, 2023
Published in Issue XI: Slut
