Zach and the City: Unabashedly You
There are so many aspects of myself that are considered taboo. Being bi is taboo. Being a sex writer is taboo. Being someone who has many intense kinks is taboo. My affinity for leather is taboo. I could keep going, but I think you get the point.
For years I hid these parts of myself from the outside world. I believed they could only be revealed behind closed doors because that is the way society says it should be. Taboos are meant to control human behavior by shaming us into staying within the boundaries of whatever is defined as “normal”. Even though I never bought into the idea that what I was doing was bad or wrong, I still thought it would be easier to keep these deviations to myself.
But what happens when we reject social pressures and choose to openly embrace our taboos?
A few years ago, I grew tired of hiding. I decided to own my taboos rather than keeping them private. Gradually, this decision expanded into virtually every corner of my life, which is how I found myself at a clothing-optional sex resort in Jamaica called Hedonism II last fall.
I wrote a feature in Men’s Health about this experience, but there were a few elements I left out because they were beyond the scope of the piece. One was a woman I met there, who was one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. For the sake of this article, I will call her Jessica (not her real name, obviously).
Jessica was in her early 30s, and what struck me most about her was how supremely comfortable and confident she was in her own skin. After a little flirting and getting to know each other, she told me that she was both trans and, it turns out, a famous porn star. Given the extent to which both of these experiences continue to be seen as taboo throughout much of the world, her unshakeable attitude was all the more striking.
That night, Jessica and I became inseparable. Her charm and wit far surpassed mine (thank God I can just smile and look pretty). Her presence was magnetic — partly because she was gorgeous, yes, but also because she lived without shame. And her lack of shame was not just an escape while at Hedonism II — it was clear that this was how she lived her everyday life.
Jessica said what she wanted to say. She made crass jokes. She did what she was moved to do, regardless of whether or not it was socially acceptable. While I was in the middle of a serious conversation with her friend in the pool, for example, she wrapped her legs around my waist and peed right on me (we were all naked so I really felt the heat)! Later in the evening, I saw her calling a guy a little piggy as he sucked on her toes. I was impressed by how she got all those men to do literally anything she wanted. Her confidence and the lack of shame she felt for who she is, what she wants, and how she behaves was so goddamn inspirational… and hot!
Naturally, we spent that night together in my room, and not surprisingly, the sex was fucking incredible. Not only was I very attracted to her, but she also clearly knew what she was doing. At one point, as we were lying there, I was gazing into her eyes and asked, “How are you so unabashedly you?” After all, I pride myself in being comfortable with who I am, being openly (bi)sexual, not caring what other people think, and living life shamelessly, but she seemed to do all these things effortlessly. For me, it still takes work.
She said, “I’m not sure, but God, does it make life so much more fun.”
And that, I have realized, is the simple answer. Embracing all the components of ourselves that others deem taboo does not make us some kind of deviant. It does not make life worse. In fact, when you are able to break free from feeling constrained by what society deems normal and what it regards as taboo, your existence becomes infinitely more vibrant and fun. And shit, at the end of the day, isn’t that what life is all about?
Published Mar 1, 2020
Updated Dec 14, 2022
Published in Issue V: Taboos
