Senior Sex: Yes, Old People Get It On Too
Currents
You’re a progressive, sex-positive, inclusive, open-minded human being, or you wouldn’t be reading Queer Majority. You believe that sexuality is a right and a pleasure for all of us. Answer honestly: does this include old people? Or are you an unintentional perpetrator of what I call the “Ick Factor”: the part of you that goes “Ugh, old wrinkly people having sex? That’s disgusting!” I invite you, whatever your age now, to examine whether you have judgmental stereotypes about sex and aging. If you do, how will that impact you as you age?
I’ve been writing and talking out loud about older-age sexuality for nearly 20 years. At age 61, I wrote my first of four senior sex books, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty (2005). At that time the Ick Factor was considered so normal and acceptable that the first review of my book in the San Francisco Chronicle had this headline: “Now that Baby Boomers have discovered there's sex after 60, could they please stop writing about it?”
Stop writing about it? I had only just begun.
As an advocate for ageless sexuality, I battle the Ick Factor all the time. By now I have a large following who agree with my senior sex empowerment mission, so I sometimes forget that the Ick Factor is still alive and well. Then something happens to remind me what world I still live in:
On the 11th of November 2022, one day after my 79th birthday, Yahoo News published “Sex doesn't stop after 60: 'We can stay sexually zesty and vibrant'” written by Rachel Grumman Bender. It was a peppy, non-judgmental, sex-and-age-positive article, including several quotations from me. I rejoiced. Finally, senior sex had achieved acceptance in our mainstream culture.
Then I started reading the comments and realized how wrong my first impression had been. A distressing number of the 562 reader remarks were anything but positive. Many were downright nasty.
Most of the negative comments revealed contempt for the idea that older bodies could possibly be seen as sexually desirable and for the notion of “senior sex” in general:
“Having sex with 'grandma' isn't my idea of a good time. My vision is 15/20. I can turn the lights out, but my vision doesn't just turn off.”
“Licking that dry kitty are ya???”
“At 72, I still get the itch from time to time, but the thought of having sex with a 72-year-old is such a turn-off, I just forget it.”
“No. That is just way too much information for us to know.”
“Sorry, not buying this narrative. Everything in life has a limit, and an end.”
“I had a glorious vomit in my toilet after reading this article. Once you hit that age it should be watching Matlock reruns and playing Bingo and that's it.”
“Yeah, I guess so, if you like shriveled-up, dry prunes.”
“I think I just vomited in my mouth a little.”
“Hypersexualization of seniors will lead to the downfall of western civilization.”
Some focused their disgust on me personally:
“Keep it to yourself, lady.”
“No one cares if people still have sex after 60. No one wants to hear about it either.”
“Who would want to sleep with a 79 y.o. lady?”
“Nobody cares about this old bag and her escapades going to pound town.”
“Joan, it's absolutely wonderful that you (and others) are able to fully enjoy all aspects of life at any age. However, I (and many others) draw the line at advertising one's intimacy. Sounds, distressingly, of self-esteem issues. There are, simply, some subjects educated folks don't discuss. It is a breach of etiquette.”
Others resorted to clichés and jokes belittling the idea that we oldsters might still be enjoying sex (and each other):
“We used to do it all night, now it takes all night to do it.”
“When you're too old to cut the mustard, you can still lick the jar.” (To which someone retorted, “BUT WHO likes old mustard???”)
"Help! It's fallen and it can't get up!"
“Trying to put a marshmallow in a piggybank” (When I read this to my 79-year-old lover, he responded, “You have a marshmallow, that’s ok—you learn how to toast that baby! And you can always come back for s’mores!”)
It wasn’t all Ick Factor, though. My distress was lifted by many comments, mostly from seniors themselves, that exalted the joys of older-age sexuality or described the accommodations that kept sex both possible and pleasurable. Some, such as this one, admonished the naysayers:
“To all the young people who are like ‘Ewww!’ I hope you have the privilege of growing old with someone you love. It takes luck and care to live that long. I'm 68, my wife's 65, and we've been married 46 years. I felt the same disgust when I was young, but being where I am now sure has changed my outlook and opinion.”
I’m proud of how far we’ve come in accepting that seniors, like all of us, deserve acceptance and the right to sexual pleasure. But I confess I’m dismayed by how much work is still ahead of us before people accept that our sexuality doesn’t end at an arbitrary birthday.
Sometimes the Ick Factor is an unintentional bias that people are barely aware they have. For example, a 30-something male reporter interviewed me years ago, listening intently to my points about how sexual pleasure can be ours lifelong. “I get everything you’re saying,” he told me, “But I’m sorry, I can’t imagine my grandparents still having sex. That just seems wrong to me.”
I responded, “At what age do you plan to retire your genitals?”
It’s important to realize that the Ick Factor doesn’t just hurt seniors who might read Yahoo comments or overhear a joke or criticism. It hurts anyone of any age who believes that sex is just for the young. I’m here from the Land of Old to tell you that if you disparage older-age sexuality and close your mind to aging with zest and spice, this attitude hurts you. We’re not old, expendable excuses for human beings: we’re you in a few decades.
Will you help me? Examine your own attitudes and stereotypes. Recognize that your elders are fully realized human beings who have been your age — though you haven’t been theirs! Learn more about the realities of sex and aging: the joys, the challenges, the solutions, and the workarounds. (Immodestly speaking, my books and webinars are good places to start.) Speak out when you hear derision aimed at older people, especially if this includes sex. Join me in fighting the Ick Factor.
Published Mar 5, 2023
